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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419905">tiptoeing from mouth to ear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damkianna/pseuds/Damkianna'>Damkianna</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dark Matter - Michelle Paver</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Flirting, Confessions, Extra Treat, Fix-It, M/M, Mutual Pining, Telegrams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:29:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,864</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419905</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damkianna/pseuds/Damkianna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>MISS YOU AWFULLY STOP</i>, I watched myself tap out, and then it was done, out of my hands - on its way to Gus.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gus Balfour/Jack Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Trick or Treat Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>tiptoeing from mouth to ear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/novembersmith/gifts">novembersmith</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ten thousand apologies for the lateness of this treat, novembersmith, but "telegraph sexts" was far too amazing a prompt to resist. :D This doesn't <em>quite</em> make it to sexts, but I hope it's close enough to capture the spirit; happy (late) ToT!</p><p>The opening bit is an extract from the scene in the book where this diverges (p. 178, in my copy). Title borrowed from "<a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/147937/words-5ba11eeee6316">Words</a>" by Pauli Murray.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>
  </p><blockquote><span class="small">
      <p>As I tapped out my message, my eyes began to sting. It was so wonderful talking to Gus, but it hurt. It made me miss him even more.</p>
      <p>
    <i>JACK YOU MUFF I KNEW YOU LIKED THEM STOP</i>
  </p>
      <p>
    <i>YES STOP</i>
  </p>
      <p>
    <i>IDIOT STOP</i>
  </p>
      <p>
    <i>YES STOP</i>
  </p>
      <p>I sat there grinning through my tears. It felt so good to have him tease me. So normal and warm and human.</p>
      <p>On and on we talked, inconsequential chat, but everything to me. At last he said he had to go ...</p>
    </span></blockquote>
<p></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I wanted to delay him somehow, hold onto him just a little longer. I couldn't think what to say. My finger was trembling over the key.</p><p>It wouldn't hurt anything, I decided. He couldn't see my face. He wouldn't have to know what I really meant, how much I meant it. And if it gave him pause for even another two minutes, then it would be worth it.</p><p><i>MISS YOU AWFULLY STOP</i>, I watched myself tap out, and then it was done, out of my hands - on its way to Gus.</p><p>Lucky words. I wished I could climb inside the Eddystone myself, and go with them.</p><p>I didn't know how long I'd have to wait. My heart was already in my throat. But the answer came back almost right away.</p><p>
  <i>OH JACK</i>
</p><p>There was a gap; but he hadn't put a <i>STOP</i> at the end, so I waited, breathless, for the rest.</p><p>
  <i>WISH I'D MADE YOU COME WITH US STOP</i>
</p><p>I bit my lip. He couldn't mean it. He couldn't really have wanted us all to pack up and abandon the expedition, just because of him and his appendix.</p><p>But then I remembered his journals, the things he'd said in them. He did know there was something here. He'd acknowledged as much, if only a little. So perhaps he meant it - perhaps it wasn't about wishing I'd come along so much as wishing he hadn't left me here. It was a fine line to try to draw, even in my head, but it comforted me too much for me to be sensible about it.</p><p>I understood then that I had another confession to make, and one that might keep him longer than the first.</p><p>
  <i>FOUND YOUR JOURNALS STOP</i>
</p><p>He didn't answer for a moment. But then a response rattled in.</p><p>
  <i>DULL AS BRICKS I'M SURE STOP</i>
</p><p>I laughed, helpless, half a breath. My eyes were prickling all over again, as if I hadn't already cried enough.</p><p>
  <i>NO AS IF YOU WERE HERE WITH ME AGAIN STOP</i>
</p><p>
  <i>OH JACK STOP</i>
</p><p>My throat closed. We were edging into dangerous territory. Did he know that as well as I did? Had he already guessed what I was trying desperately not to tell him?</p><p><i>READ THEM ALL THE WAY THROUGH,</i> I tapped out. <i>COULDN'T PUT THEM DOWN SORRY STOP</i></p><p>
  <i>NO APOLOGIES IT'S ALL RIGHT STOP</i>
</p><p>God, he was so <em>kind</em>. I suppose I'd been half hoping he wouldn't be - that he'd tell me off, be sharp with me, give me a reason not to like him so much. But I should have known better. I should have known he'd only make it harder.</p><p><i>ALREADY MISSED YOU ANYWAY SO REALLY ONLY MADE IT WORSE STOP</i>, I admitted.</p><p><i>OH JACK MISS YOU TOO</i>, he sent immediately. <i>TOO MUCH FOR WORDS STOP</i></p><p>My breath caught in my throat.</p><p>I knew I shouldn't do anything foolish, anything I couldn't take back. But I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. And when would I ever have another chance to be bold? I'd already started to wonder, in the worst of the long dark hours alone, whether I was ever going to leave Gruhuken again. Maudlin, baseless, but the thought gnawed at me anyway, a strange foreboding feeling that if I had time to escape, still, then it was running down, and fast.</p><p>Besides, in a way it was easier. Tapping these things into the Eddystone, which sat silent, and passed them along without reaction or judgement. Not having to figure out how to speak the words to Gus's face, or even write them - only tapping out the letters, one at a time.</p><p><i>MISS EVERYTHING,</i> I sent, heart hammering almost in time with the key. <i>EYES HANDS SHOULDERS VOICE WAY YOU SMILED AT ME WHEN I SAID SOMETHING CLEVER STOP</i></p><p>Silence. I wrapped my hands around each other and squeezed until my knuckles ached. The dogs were still whining hungrily in the distance, and the wind was still audible outside. But the only sound that seemed at all real was the thunder of my pulse in my ears.</p><p>I'd made a terrible mistake, obviously. Gus might still forgive me, I thought distantly, if I only took it back, explained how it had worn on me to be trapped here alone, to suffer through that long dreadful storm.</p><p>A sudden furious rattle from the Eddystone. <i>GOD JACK DON'T DO THIS STOP</i></p><p>I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. My useless finger managed to put together something halfway coherent, <i>SORRY I'M SO SORRY</i> - and then I was interrupted. Gus hadn't waited for a <i>STOP</i>.</p><p>
  <i>TOO FAR AWAY ALREADY COULDN'T BEAR IT STOP</i>
</p><p>I felt as if all my strings had been cut. My eyes filled at once, my whole spine went weak - I think I only just managed not to faint dramatically onto the Eddystone.</p><p>
  <i>OH GUS STOP</i>
</p><p>
  <i>NEXT ROOM WOULD BE TOO FAR STOP</i>
</p><p><i>GUS YOU NEEDN'T</i> - but I didn't know what to say, how to end. I wanted to tell him that if he was only taking pity on me, because I was alone, because he felt shamed for having had to leave himself and guilty that I was carrying on by myself, then he shouldn't; I couldn't have borne it.</p><p>I don't know why I was stuck on the idea. Gus isn't the sort to do a thing like that. To hold back, yes, he'd done that even in his journals. But to lie outright?</p><p>I suppose it just felt more likely that he'd be trying to look after me somehow, be kind to me, than that he was the same as I am. That he felt it the same way I did.</p><p><i>OH SHUT IT</i>, he said, interrupting again. I could almost hear it in his voice. I could almost picture the way he'd look as he said it: chiding, fond, blue eyes warm and steady. <i>SUPPOSE AM LUCKY IT'S FAR AM A MESS ALL CUT UP STOP</i></p><p>As if I cared! Of course I'd thought about what it would be like to touch him. To push his shirt up and get my hands underneath it, to work it open one button at a time - to have him let me do it.</p><p>But right then, I'd have been overjoyed just to see him. Just to sit at his bedside, to have him look at me, to run my fingers through his hair while he slept.</p><p>I told him that, in one long rush. I only just remembered to add a <i>STOP</i> when I was done, so he'd know.</p><p><i>JACK PLEASE CAN'T BEAR IT,</i> he sent, almost immediately. <i>EXPEDITION HILL OF BEANS NEXT TO YOU STOP</i></p><p>
  <i>AM ALL RIGHT WILL STAY STOP</i>
</p><p>
  <i>ROT JACK LET ME SEND MR E STOP</i>
</p><p>I sat there shaking, wet-faced. I couldn't. Could I? There was no reason not to stick it out. All my pointless terrors were exactly that. I was being foolish, yellow. I couldn't let him think I was a coward.</p><p>
  <i>FOUR DAYS AND YOU'LL BE WITH ME STOP</i>
</p><p>I squeezed my eyes shut. Why had he had to say it like that? That was temptation far too great to withstand - and terror of a wholly different kind from the darkness, the cold, the things I couldn't stop perceiving beyond their margins. Because the Eddystone had made this easier, had let me say what I might never have managed to say otherwise. What if I couldn't, once I was in front of him again? What if he hadn't meant it after all? What if I'd somehow misunderstood everything, and when I was with him again, when I reached for him, he looked at me and pulled away?</p><p>It was getting the better of me again. Setting it all out now, reading my own thoughts put to paper, I can almost see it. The dark, the cold, creeping in at the edges of the circle of warmth and light that Gus had cast over me. Trying to swallow me down again - trying to make sure I couldn't get free.</p><p>I wavered.</p><p>And then the Eddystone rattled.</p><p><i>IF YOU DON'T WILL MAKE HIM BRING ME TO YOU INSTEAD STOP,</i> Gus said. <i>NO ESCAPE STOP</i></p><p>I laughed. I couldn't prevent it.</p><p><i>WILL PUSH YOU INTO A WALL AND KISS YOU TILL NO ARGUMENT ANYMORE STOP,</i> Gus added.</p><p><i>WILL POP ALL STITCHES STOP,</i> I warned him.</p><p><i>WORTH IT STOP,</i> he asserted, unhesitating.</p><p><i>GUS YOU CAN'T,</i> I said, meaning it more seriously now. <i>IN NO CONDITION TO SAIL WITH MR E STOP</i></p><p>
  <i>THEN HAD BETTER AGREE TO COME BACK YOURSELF STOP</i>
</p><p>I don't know what I would have done, if he hadn't put it like that. Probably I'd have kept brushing him off until he gave up, or until Algie came in and made him go rest.</p><p>But I suppose if it is true, if he really does want me the way I want him, then perhaps he's been paying attention. Perhaps he understands that half the reason I don't want to let this expedition go is him - that he needed to set himself on the other side of the scales before I'd agree that they'd tipped.</p><p>The point is, when he put it like that, how could I refuse? I couldn't let him do anything so dangerous, not in the condition he was in. But I couldn't stop him, either, except by agreeing to his terms.</p><p>
  <i>ALL RIGHT YOU WIN STOP</i>
</p><p><i>WILL TELL MR E IMMEDIATELY,</i> Gus sent, so fast he must have started almost before my message had finished arriving. <i>SEE YOU IN FOUR DAYS JACK ALL LOVE STOP</i></p><p>I managed to sign off myself somehow or other, and then the Eddystone went quiet. But I can still hear it when I try: the tapping, the letters forming in my head just hearing the pattern, understanding halfway through what it would be and feeling my whole body come alight. <i>A - L - L - L - O - V - E -</i></p><p>I've fed the dogs, now, and made my way back to the cabin. I've started working on packing everything up, working out what order to do it in so I've still got access to everything I need most, but I'll be ready to go when Mr. Eriksson arrives.</p><p>I shouldn't be so happy. It should feel worse to have failed. To be running from nothing.</p><p>But if I'm right about what it is that's here on Gruhuken, what I've experienced and what it means - something is stuck. Trapped.</p><p>It wants me trapped, too. But I don't have to be.</p><p>So maybe I'm not failing myself, or anyone else. Maybe when Mr. Eriksson comes for me, when I sail away from here and back to Gus, I'll have won.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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